Doubts and desserts

You're going to want to see this photo of my dad in the 70s

Dear reader,

I have two important Thomases in my life: my dad, born Catholic and named after Saint Thomas (notorious doubter) and my brother TJ, named after my dad (notorious doubter).

An infrequent flyer in the Catholic church myself (funerals and weddings), I don’t know much about saints, but I do know a little bit about Thomas thanks to my dad. St. Thomas just wanted some proof. He had a lot of doubts about if Jesus was resurrected (relatable tbh!) and had to see about that himself. I’ve always found his sainthood comforting. I know that the point of his whole story is that, though faith should be enough, Jesus can provide proof of his miracles. But what I often take away from this is, humans with complicated feelings and understandings of the world can end up important and profound. Okay I promise that’s the last of my Jesus talk (for which I am wholly (holy) unqualified to express). It’s the doubting I want to talk about.

There is a lot of doubt built into who I am as a person. Imposter syndrome, for instance, is a huge problem for women, made worse for women of color and other marginalized identities. As a woman in libraries watching the handful of men rise to the top of the hierarchy at my institutions, it was hard to assert myself. Same, too, of speaking up in my fancy graduate classes dominated by loud and often very, very dumb men. As a woman, the stone of doubt is lodged in the arch of my sandals and it takes a hell of a lot of work to brush it off.

Similarly, as a self-taught artist, I struggled for years to call myself an artist to other artists. It’s funny to think that this huge part of who I’ve been and who I’ll always be was so hard to articulate to other people who had the same identity. It’s easiest to doubt my spirit among people with whom comparison might be the most natural.

Recently, I’ve been noticing more and more that this doubt - this feeling of being an imposter or of not being trained enough or serious enough - is what draws me closer to the people around me.

Absolutely no one is sure right now. Will RFK Jr. take away my psych meds that have let me lead a full life? Will your passport renewal say the wrong gender? Will her job with the federal government exist tomorrow? What is happening with the angler fish? Oh my god?

I think I create from this place of doubt. My mom jokes that as a kid, I made a picture and decided what it was later. I still kind of do this. I approach a painting with a color or a subject. I let the mistakes (neck too thick! Blue too dark! Crazy nose! Hot dog toppings all over the place!) guide my next steps. Despite years of messing up and moving forward to make something special, I still doubt that the “portrait plastic surgery” I do will work, because sometimes it doesn’t!

Expressing this doubt has become a big part of my workshop practice. I love teaching beginners and doing what I call “Vibes Based Painting” (VBP) because the doubt is an ingredient in the trifle. I’ll give you my little tips and the big picture, but really what I teach people to do is to doubt and do it anyway. Make it happen. Start over. Doubt leads to some of the greatest discoveries and self-actualization. Yes, I’m telling you that you will reach nirvana in my classes. Perhaps more importantly, doubt is what creates community.

Tony Kushner said of doubt:

"The impulse is always, what do you feel most confused about and most unsure about. You can assume that others like you are having similar doubts. As I've always said, your job is to preach to the converted. That's what preachers are supposed to talk about. It's not the things we know are true, but the things were worried might not be true, that contravene our faith. That's the place to go. Anything good comes from a place of unknowing.”

I don’t know much about faith, but I know a whole hell of a lot about making art, doing crafts, creating community, and making masterpieces from this place of doubt. The very best part of not believing at first is proving yourself wrong. As Liz Lemon says, “You didn’t believe in me, but I believed in myself, just like the last scene in all movies!” In this case, you are both the person who didn’t believe and the self who did. It’s complicated. You’re complicated.

I really hope you’ll join me for one of my celebrations of this DIY, beginner, doubtful creation! We’ve got a lot to overcome and so much to gain.

Here are my two March workshops (use code PAL to score $10 off each workshop for the first lucky four customers!!):

Join us at Luvsick Plus in Logan Square as we celebrate the Spring Solstice and make faux floral crowns! This workshop will provide everything you need to make a flower crown that will outlast the first daffodils - no green thumb or craft skills necessary. We'll have everything from flowers to succulents, from beads to gems, and more hot glue than you can shake a stick at!

More into the painting side of things?

Spend a sweet afternoon playing with your food! In this painting workshop for adults, we will paint a made-to-order famous Bartleby's sundae with vintage dish (sundae included in the price of your ticket). Get creative to make a masterpiece as a gift or for your home! Beginner's are encouraged. All materials included.

I hope to see my fellow unsure folks out and about this month! Can’t wait to see what we make together.

xo,

Emma